you tell him mom

Deck the halls withe disco lights
Fa la la la la la la la la
Flashing in time to Disney holiday songs
Fa la la la la la la la la

Forget that turkey, get to buying
Fa la la la la la la la la
Dolls and clothes, toys and gadgets
Fa la la la la la la la la

Kiddo is not interested in Turkey Day. She is only interested in December and what that month brings. Her birthday and Yule aka Xmas aka reasons to get lots of presents. She has already dragged me to one store to show me the "ATM Bank" that acts like a real ATM and counts money for you. She wants the game of Life and yet MORE clothes for her many dolls.

So I said, write a letter to Santa and tell him what you want. She very seriously replied, "Momma, it will never get there. He lives WAY up north. Here let me show you." She proceeds to show me on the world map she has where we live and where Santa lives.

Its clear to me that our schools teach way too much logic with not enough emphasis on magic. I told her, "it worked when I was a kid." She thought about that and started writing a list and told me I could tell Santa for her. Because, after all, it worked for me as a kid.

What is she looking at?

sifting

Sifting through patterns slowly emerging, I can feel them almost in view. A piece moves around understanding shamanic initiation and how that manifests in women. Another piece is how shamanic initiatory experiences correlate to kundalini awakenings. And then there is a piece around healing, sound, and speaking my wants.

All of this is about how the snake energy is moving through my body healing old wounds so the energy can flow freely.

It is about learning to listen to my body, to what is manifesting. Then speaking the healing for what is manifesting which is to name the wound, the injury. Naming it pulls it out of me so it can be healed. Naming it changes the vibration. Writing a poem that pulls out the essence and when you speak the poem the essence heals into something new.

Its a visceral thing, I feel like I am being led in ways that I have no context for. Feeling in the dark when the only thing I can feel is resonance and dissonance.

Looking thru

Charcoal threshold ...

Can't decide if the image is more about she is looking at or more about where she came from. Likely the former which means I might move her to the left. Or maybe I will just let her think about it and tell me what she wants!

sing in balance and harmony

For those of you who have met me personally, you can attest to the fact that I usually have no issues with making myself heard by others.

However, the circles I have been attending in Berkeley are a challenge for me. In the circles we sing and chant and use our voices. Every single time we go around the circle and are expected to sing a phrase or word, I choke up. Barely anything comes out.

The pattern is related to the shamanic change process I have been undergoing for the last year or so. Its no coincidence that my chest is inflamed and I am having trouble breathing. Everything feels very tight in my chest. Its time for the energy to unblock and flow freely.

Time to let my true voice out. To say what I want with clarity and harmony. To sing in balance with the rhythms of our earth just as I strive to walk in balance on our earth.

wicked witch of the allergies

This week has not been one of my best. Felled by an allergic reaction which has had me feeling very energy-less all week. Energy is not moving as it should through my body as a result and it feels all stuck in my upper chest. I did a breathing meditation today which helped bit. Drink lots of water - and I mean LOTS of water.

Of course this did not stop me from taking the kiddo up to SF and going to see Wicked. It was a great play but brought up all kinds of interesting feelings for me. I identify with Elphaba as I feel like I have green skin sometimes. The relationship between 'dark' Elphaba and 'light' Galinda is very stereotypical yet moves towards a resolution that is not all bad. Galinda at least ends up making changes. Yet, Elphaba leaves for somewhere 'safe'. The fact she has to do that says much about how much work we need to do to heal separations in our culture.

Now, if I just had that book of Elphaba's.....

resonating into balance

I have been contemplating sound lately. Resonance, vibration, energy flow, toning and all those other interesting aspects of sound and healing. There is a pattern of connections emerging.

I have always been able to feel energy moving in my body, more so in the last ten years. Around six years ago the chakra point in my left hand opened up and I started to feel the energy in stones and crystals. It feels like my hand buzzes in the center of the palm when I hold a particularly energetic stone.

Since the healing I had last spring, there has been more of a feeling of vibration or resonance to the energy I feel in my body. Sometimes the resonances are in harmony and sometimes they are not. Learning about toning, chanting, and using sound more regularly has shown me that I can bring the resonating energy in my body into balance with certain practices.

The Om Tara chant is a good example. I find I will spontaneously start chanting it during times of stress. I realized the chant calms the resonances in my body balancing out the waves of energy. (The chant is a prayer to Green Tara which helps too.)

Now I am voicing tones for each chakra point and experimenting with that as a way to balance the resonances. I want to see if I practice this regularly if it will help to keep things in balance. Its all uncharted new territory for me.

Walking the baylands

regeneration = compost and recycle

Today is the Day of the Dead. Death is the step away from this life into the next. In between those steps is something we rarely discuss in today's western culture: regeneration. However, amusingly, it is making a comeback in other forms. Compost and recycle being two words that edge us closer to regeneration. Its still considered to be messy and smelly, however, at least it is resurfacing.

I took pictures in the garden today of seed pods and what not. I planted seeds in random places to see what might come up next year. The sun is out and the day is warm and beautiful for November 1st.

This year I am going to take a suggestion from a posting I saw. I am going to dig a big hole in one of my beds, bury a Halloween pumpkin in it with dirt in the pumpkin, and plant flower seeds in it. I have dirt from a ritual that needs to be buried and this seems a very appropriate way to compost what is in that ritual dirt.

Samhain ponderings

It is the beginning of Samhain today. Tonight I attend the Daughters of the Goddess Womyn's Spiral Dance in Orinda. (come by and say hello if you are there!)

This is the end of the cycle of the year. The beginning of the dark, quiet, gestating time of the year when root vegetables, apples, walnuts, and pomegranates are in season. When the weather can't decide to be cold or sunny. When the squirrels are so busy burying nuts in my potted plants they barely notice the cats sporting thick fur coats.

The time to reflect, regenerate, and nurture ourselves in preparation for the next year. The time to do divination and ponder where the next year may lead us. The time to honor ancestors and those who have pass on. The time to dress up like a las lobos wild woman and have loads of fun.

I give thanks for the abundance of the past year and ask for blessings for the coming year - blessings of good luck, abundance, and grace.

Held in her heart almost done....

writing like a demon

Lately, I have found myself writing and writing on my thesis. The topic of women artists who create sacred art and use that art to heal communities and culture has me fascinated. The more I research the more I unearth. The more connections I make.

I read writings of art critics who mostly lament where mainstream art has gone. I find women artists underrepresented in the mainstream art world especially the ones who focus on spiritual or - heaven forbid! - sacred themes. I read about how we must heal our connections to the earth and that the time is now to act. I find quotes from the Dalai Lama supporting the role of women in healing our earth and creating change.

I have way more pages then I likely need to have at this stage of the game, however, getting my proposal in early would be useful. Then I have moments of 'but wait I need to add a section on this!'

Of course, there is the other homework to do like the presentation on the article at next class, the ritual for the class after, and the 15 page research paper for my independent study. Oh and lets not forget the writeup for my community service practicum. Perhaps it is time to take a breather and focus on other items?

Pumpkin 3

Pumkin 1 and pumpkin 2

Rose

toning my virus away

I have yet another virus running through my body on top of flared up allergies. The last month or two have not been easy on my health. Cleaning closets at my parents kicked it off, kiddo brought home viruses, it rained, and all the mold bloomed.

That said, I am experimenting with toning as a way to bring balance and healing to my body. I tone the vowel sounds that resonate each of my chakra points. Today, feeling lousy, I was not sure how well I could voice the sounds but I went ahead and spent several minutes doing them up and down my chakras in sequence. My head hurt, my lungs complained.

Then I lay still resting (and breathing) and lo! My chest feels open and warm and full of good energy. My sinuses are less painful. I like this and so does my body.

For the Next Seven Generations

Went to see the new movie by the Council of 13 Indigenous Grandmothers last night. The film is called For the Next Seven Generations.

The evening began with drum and song. Then Grandmother Flordemayo came up and spoke. And led us through a loving meditation before the viewing.

The movie tells the story of how the Grandmothers came together as well as the stories of the Grandmothers. The places they come from, their traditions and how the council came to be. It walks through their attempts to get heard by the Pope. Their audience with the Dalai Lama and their subsequent visit to Rome.

Their message is one of peace. Grandmother Flordemayo spoke afterwards about how we need to heal the separation between all of us. Between skin color, between the earth and us, all separations. How we need to join as one and move forward. That time is short and the time for healing is now!

Rain shower

sacred art blessings

Today I had a wonderful day. I went into the painting class at school in the afternoon to assist. The women in the class had not yet started to outline their visions onto the canvas so I was witness to the amazing creations that took form all afternoon. I helped with answering questions, drawing bears, showing how to scrub with the paintbrush, and such. Shiloh had me introduce myself to the class and then told them all that I was an amazing painter. I felt all warm inside hearing that from someone who paints such beautiful paintings. It was like, "wow, she likes my paintings!"

At the end of class Shiloh and Sue and I looked over all the paintings I had done. Then we talked about independent study ideas. Shiloh looked at Sue (Sue being Shiloh's teacher) and Sue looked at Shiloh. Sue only works one on one with a couple students a year. They suggested I do a weekend with Sue.

This was an unexpected acknowledgement. I feel very blessed. It's a validation that I am on the path I am meant to be on - and that I really do paint amazing paintings. Yaa Hooo!!!

Held by wings of love?

cats drinking rain water

Today I walked to the drug store instead of driving. This is good given recent bronchial unhappiness. I called my dad and had a coherent, useful conversation with him. I still feel like I am carrying way too much but moments of peace help to keep it balanced for which I am very thankful.

I re-read my thesis intro and wrote and read some more. I feel better about the whole thing. Thinking too much does not actually help. Writing down those gems I get in my head just before I fall asleep does help.

I have vision dancing in my head that I might paint or draw soon. Its forming.

I filled up a jar with wonderful rain water from the last two days. This time I am not pouring the bowl of rain water on my head. The cats are drinking out of it which seems like a much better use of it.

Gentle water

Batch of snakes cooling

argonite

Picked up a gorgeous chunk of argonite at the Ren Faire today. Wonderful energy. Went to look up its purpose and had to chuckle given what life has been handing me lately.

"It is helpful for centering oneself especially during periods of stress and anger, provides insight into problems one is confronting, and enhances one's patience and helps one maintain during periods requiring an abundance of responsibilities."

Chuckle.

survived

I survived. I went down to my parents and endured another attack of verbal abuse from my father. I walked out on him. My whole body was shaking. Fear is a scary thing when it takes over your body. I hung in and waited it out. Waiting for other people to arrive and run interference.

The real estate agent arrived. I walked her through the house and then I listed the house for sale. Somewhere in there, the fear left me. There were no strikes of lightening. My brother had my father entirely distracted out on the deck. (Where my brother the Republican was telling my dad that the so-called republican propaganda my dad was reading was bullshit. That in itself was amazing.)

Later in the day, my dad actually had a conversation with me with my brother there where I told him what the plan was and he listened to me. My brother was very helpful in defusing dad's insistence on a reality that is not real. I realized I do have the power to move this situation forward to a resolution. And that dad will kick and scream and be unrealistic the entire way.

Glazing ...

not the good daughter

Been having a hard time writing an entry the last day or so. Yesterday, I had a awful day dealing with my father and his twisted version of reality. I realized part of the issue is me. I have spent most of my life terrified of his anger, of being verbally abused by him, and trying to be the 'good' daughter so he wouldnt get mad at me. So I have a hard time cutting through the crap he speaks and standing up and saying what needs to be said.

I am not the same person anymore and I do not like the person my father is. He is racist, sexist, self-centered and domineering. I do not want any of that energy in my life in any form any longer.

And you know what? Its ok to not like him. Its ok to step away emotionally and cut the connection to him. It ok to simply tell him what is going to happen and move the situation along regardless of his angry abusive reactions. I am not the good daughter; I never was. None of us ever are.

change and transformation

I read an article from the Womens Wheel of Life book that I really liked. The chapter was on the Transformer. The author wrote of how change is not the same as transformation. Change can be altering the position you are sitting in. Transformation is about fundamentally altering the nature of something. My definitions.

The point for me is that I am not simply experiencing change, I am undergoing transformation as I create a new way of life for myself. Every aspect of my life is impacted as my beliefs and values shift. Learning to dance the change while staying centered in the chaos is a skill that I suspect I will use more and more often.

Background work...

Held in the heart in progress

changing culture

My masters thesis topic is on women artists who create and use sacred art to heal our communities and culture. How do we define sacred art in our current so-called modern culture? Women artists who create sacred art are generally written off as 'folk artists' and therefore not serious artists. Or categorized as women creating 'goddess art' and therefore artists not doing mainstream art or only doing art for a small audience.

Both of these descriptions are ways our culture invalidates the work of women artists and the role of spirituality in our culture. What is sad is that not only is the work of women artists submerged, but it overlooks the ways in which we can use art to change our culture to a more healthy one.

Riane Eisler categorizes cultures into domination and partnership cultures. She defines these two categories to more broadly encompass what we mean by culture then typical terms like "western" or "patriarchal" or "socialist". In the US we live in a domination culture that has had many waves of change the move the culture towards partnership. Waves of change that are repeatedly repressed yet still have an impact.

Art is a way to alter the perceptions of the person viewing or interacting with the art. Art is healing. Sacred art impacts us in spiritual ways that change us. I want to understand how we can use sacred art to move our culture to a partnership culture.

Time to fire up the kiln!!

priestessing yourself....

Spent the weekend in a workshop taught by Ruth Barrett: Priestessing Yourself and Others. I highly recommend it if you ever get a chance to take a workshop from her. She is a wonderfully intelligent intuitive teacher. I was very impressed with her style and ability to bring us all through the challenges of the workshop.

One of the things we did was create a ritual for ourselves - but not in a manner I have ever done before. We each practiced being present for the other in a way that drew out the ritual from the other woman while not putting any of our selves into their ritual. Its something to be experienced rather then described!

I have read Ruth's book, Womens Rites, Womens Mysteries a couple times; its a great reference book. However, working with Ruth took us to a much deeper level of understanding. I walked away with a real appreciation for how to create deep ritual and how much work it is.

Change Dancer done!